Oppo, I Don't Know What To Do Anymore

"JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder!" (jqj213)
09/19/2014 at 22:43 • Filed to: personal, help, serious, relationships, work, teen drinking

Hello again guys. I thought things were getting better for me. I !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! about three weeks ago and thought my luck was improving. I decided to try and do something. But it didn't work. And now I'm so confused. Please can someone talk to me a bit?

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Well she did end up going to that party and getting pretty drunk. We ended up texting for a bit and she told me things which I didn't believe because she was drunk and I didnt want to be that guy who makes her hold up her drunk promises. The next day I saw her she apologized and said it wasn't her texting (still am not sure if this was literally or because of the alcohol).

So a week went by. And I still like her. We talked a bit and after hearing things from like everyone they told me to finally try and ask her to hang out. So, I tried to make a plan for Friday or Saturday night since I was free. After talking to her I learned she also wasn't working so I figured it'd be perfect. I asked. She told me that she was "Sorry but I'm busy." I was a bit upset here but oh well.

I waited another week. I was going to ask her this weekend, but both of us had conflicting schedules so it would be difficult. I found this out because I gave her a ride home (bikes do not fit very well in the back of a Honda Civic FYI). I was again rather disappointed but I could try again next week.

We closed again together tonight. I couldn't give her a ride home though because she had her mom's car to drive. We began talking and she told me about another party she is going to tonight and how she plans on getting drunk again. I sort of sighed but didn't really show any emotion. She then told me that she got wasted last Friday and barely remembers anything. This was where my heart dropped. Because her plans we getting drunk. It showed that I really don't have much importance to her.

I'm starting to doubt everything here. And this sucks because I want to help her. I really do. As I said before this is my mom's career so I am very familiar with substance abuse. And also sadly, alcohol has had such a negative impact on my life. My mother is one. Her mom died from it before I was even born. Both my uncles are homeless and jobless because of this. I lost two friends from NJ to a DUI accident. So put simply, I view it as a negative.

I hate seeing someone so young and bright ruin their lives. And I sort of get where she is coming from. Her brother (18) is also an alcoholic and an awful influence on her. I know shes had a hard life, between losing her father and having a stepdad who she doesn't like and an overprotective mother. But still.

Most people at work know about this. But I am the only other employee there her age. Everyone else is older and cannot really help her. They all want me to try. And I have. Its why I wanted to hang out with her. That and I still do like her. But hearing things like this, it turns me off. Whereas most guys love thinking of a drunk girl, I hate it. And I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know if I could even help.

Please Oppo I really just want to talk and hear from you all.

DISCUSSION (67)

jkm7680 > JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder!
09/19/2014 at 22:47

Man, I'd just stay out of it if I were you. I hate to see people with potential waste it away, but the worst thing that you can do is get tangled in and more involved with her.

JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder! > jkm7680
09/19/2014 at 22:50

But like I said now I have so many people who want me to try and help her.

And I also still like her in general. So I don't even know what to do. Is it even worth trying to talk to her at this point?

Textured Soy Protein > JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder!
09/19/2014 at 22:57

It's very honorable that you want to help this girl out. My gf is a mental health and substance abuse counselor so I get to hear about this kind of stuff too.

First, just a general point. From reading your posts I get how you feel about alcohol, but keep in mind that there are people out there who are able to use alcohol and drugs in moderation and not ruin their lives.

That doesn't mean this girl doesn't have a problem (and obviously I can't make that call) but there are some people who can be responsible about their vices.

Anyway, about this girl.

If you're confident she has a drinking problem, I would focus on trying to be her friend and provide support, rather than trying to provide support while also getting into a relationship. That's a recipe for disaster.

Also, while you may continue to try helping her out, you have to be prepared for the possibility that you won't be successful. That doesn't mean you shouldn't try, but you may not succeed. It's ultimately up to her to decide to make a change in behavior.

So keep on trying to do the right thing. But I wouldn't try to date her.

Tuned-Port-Injected-Rage > JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder!
09/19/2014 at 22:58

Sorry to hear it dude. If you ask me, though, I would just stay out of it as a whole. Does it suck that she is ruining her life? Certainly. Yet, there is no reason you should get intertwined with her issues, as they seem pretty severe. She could also possibly drag you down, which would be even worse. You could try and talk to her sincerely, but I'm not sure it will do much, since it seems like she has already been doing this for a while.

yamahog > JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder!
09/19/2014 at 22:58

Unless she comes to you for help of her own volition, there's nothing you can really do so try not to let it get to you. I'm not sure if you left out more details, but getting drunk on weekends isn't necessarily indicative of problem drinking or alcoholism. If it is interfering with her work or school or whatever, her boss or counselors should be the ones getting involved.

Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo > JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder!
09/19/2014 at 22:59

You can't really help her in the way you'd like to. You can't take on another person's life and you can't make people do what you think they should be doing. It sucks having that self-destructive/potentially-suicidal friend or love interest. I think most of us have been there before. What you'll usually find is that they can drag you down with them, and offering ***HELP*** does not require you to be yourself an emotional wreck and being overly invested in something so emotionally devastating.

JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder! > yamahog
09/19/2014 at 23:00

Its more so the fact that shes only 16 and she shouldn't be drinking in the first place. The fact that she parties to the point she doesn't remember anything.

She does a good job of hiding it. I have to give her that.

thats where the issue lies. That and the fact I do like her

JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder! > Tuned-Port-Injected-Rage
09/19/2014 at 23:01

Thats the exact issue. im already too involved. And she has told me she likes me. And I do like her a lot (when shes sober). As of now, shes like the only girl I really talk to. I cant stay out of it now, I've been involved for 6 months.

JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder! > Textured Soy Protein
09/19/2014 at 23:03

I guess I need to edit my post because one thing I need to make clear is that she is ONLY 16. So way underaged. We are high schoolers still. She doesnt think she does but going out like every weekend and getting wasted to the point you cant remember anything is bad. She is always surrounded by bad influences which doesnt help.

I want to help her. But ive tried on two others. And now I talk to neither so... its pointless

I really like her though and she said she liked me. But I dont want to get involved anymore.

jariten1781 > JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder!
09/19/2014 at 23:06

You can't force help on people. That's frustrating but fact.

I've noticed that some people break like a Lego model and others break like a glass vase. The first you can put back together once you know all the pieces, but the second can never be made whole and you'll just hurt yourself trying. Sounds like she ain't even ready to try fixing.

You're too young to worry about this. Don't become someone's crutch, it'll just wear you out.

Textured Soy Protein > JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder!
09/19/2014 at 23:07

I absolutely wouldn't try to date her.

I know you say 16 is way too young to be drinking, but honestly, that's what kids in high school do. Not necessarily get blackout drunk every weekend, but hell, it's high school. Which aside from class is all about having stupid house parties, drinking, smoking pot, and trying to get in each other's pants.

This is a situation that calls for being straightforward. Tell her you don't think she should get blackout drunk every weekend. That if she wants to drink to not be so crazy about it.

Or just distance yourself. You can't fix everyone.

But damn yo, don't date her.

JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder! > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo
09/19/2014 at 23:07

Thats the worst part. I shouldn't care so much. But I do because for some reason I have this affect on people where they want to tell me everything and open up. People feel comfortable talking to me. And I feel so bad for her because she has had it rough. But I want to try and help her now. I know I cant make her change but I still feel like I need to do something.

I also now have the issue of her knowing I do like her. And I work with her like every other night. And see her everyday in school. I cannot just walk away anymore.

JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder! > Textured Soy Protein
09/19/2014 at 23:11

I just know the effects of all this shit. And Ive never once been to these parties. I have never had one drink. Never smoked. Never had sex. hell Ive never even had a real relationship.

Heres the issue. i cant get out now.

I see her every day at school. I am with her like every other day at work. She now knows I like her. I cant just get up and stop. But Im scared to tell her the truth. I dont want to be that guy who ruins her fun. I dont want to seem like the boring parent here.

Tuned-Port-Injected-Rage > JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder!
09/19/2014 at 23:11

Ah, I see. To be honest, I'm really not too sure. Is there some sort of committee you can talk to? Maybe you can talk to her about getting a bit of help from a committee. Tell her that you enjoy being around her, but that you hate seeing her wreck her life. That's all I can think of, and it probably won't be that effective. I'm sorry :(

JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder! > Tuned-Port-Injected-Rage
09/19/2014 at 23:15

Thats my problem. I want to help her. But i dont want to be that boring lame friend who is no fun. Im 16 I should be out partying right next to her. But Ive had too much serious stuff happen in my life to do that.

I wish I could do more. I wish I could talk to my parents about it. Honestly.

Tohru > JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder!
09/19/2014 at 23:18

There is not a force on heaven or Earth that will force her to change or accept help if SHE does not want to do it.

You're beating your head against the wall and putting yourself through all this anguish for nothing. Cut her out of your life and move forward.

Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo > JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder!
09/19/2014 at 23:19

Well we all can't stop you from acting on your feelings, but remember that this path you're taking is one you chose, not one of a twist of fate. "I cannot just walk away" is false, the mere act of seeing her frequently does not compel you to be the shining knight that she frankly doesn't want and honestly I'm not sure she even needs. You're doing this because you really like her, that and you're probably holding out faint hope that you barraging her with your care will perhaps warm her up to you on a deeper level. I assure you this is a bad investment. It always is. And who are you to judge what she does? She's young, has a job, goes to school, and currently copes excessively through recreational whatever and that's how she gets by.

I'm sorry, but when I see topics of this nature, I really just go at it. Seen too much of this.

JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder! > Tohru
09/19/2014 at 23:21

I wish I could. But you need to understand we've been talking for 8 months now. I see her at school every day. I work with her like every other night. She now knows I like her. I cannot just get up and leave. It isn't possible.

And at this point I need to try and help her. Listen booze has fucked my life up so much I dont want to see it happen to someone else. At least maybe if I try, I can say I did my part.

It is one of THE WORST feelings in the world when you read the news and see your friends DEAD because of alcohol. When you come home from work and your mom is wasted. That you have no grandma and never even knew her. That I can't talk to my uncles because they live on the side of the fucking street.

Im sorry Im just angry here, not at you, just at everything

Jordan and the Slowrunner, Boomer Intensifies > JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder!
09/19/2014 at 23:21

I've learned that some things are beyond our control, and that should be accepted. Life may not go as planned, but don't let someone else drag your plans out farther.

yamahog > JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder!
09/19/2014 at 23:25

If she's 16, then add parents and police to the list of people besides you who could get involved. But honestly, when you're that age you're still figuring out your tolerance while at the same time trying to frontload your buzz and keep it relatively hidden by the time you get home. Not the end of the world if she gets herself in a little bit of trouble, it might be a learning experience, and might as well get that out of the way before freshman year of college.

Personally, I think American kids should be allowed to learn how to drink safely before they learn how to drive, but that's a whole different conversation.

JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder! > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo
09/19/2014 at 23:25

I see your point man. It's just so much...

Do you know how much it sucks to come home from work having your mom wasted? And not hearing from your uncles because they are living on the side of the fucking road. And I have lost two really awesome and close friends because of some drunk asshole who killed them both. so it pisses me off when people arent responsible at all and I hate seeing her throw her life away

JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder! > yamahog
09/19/2014 at 23:30

Im not that kind of person. Im not getting her in trouble and Im not going to be that guy.

And she shouldn't even be getting involved with this in the first place! Shes too young! Its just so hard because booze has fucked up my life so so badly

avens > JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder!
09/19/2014 at 23:30

You know lots if not all presidents of the United States started drinking and smoking at that age, if not younger? :P

What you have to understand is that addicts to anything are the exception and that the human body can take a lot of poison. Actually, at that age not doing fun stuff is missing out.

Tohru > JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder!
09/19/2014 at 23:32

I understand fine.

I went through similar stuff with my roommate. With him, he was trying to be the knight in shining armor to a girl that lived upstate. They'd known each other for over a decade. She knew he liked her. They'd even gotten intimate once or twice.

However, she liked dating guys that were manipulative or emotionally abusive. She rebuked his offers to help every. single. time. He was tearing himself apart inside over this. I was forced to sit and listen to increasingly disjointed conversations from him about her, as the stress she was putting on him by her refusing his offers to help wore away at his already-tenuous grasp of reality.

I had to sit down and have this conversation with him, and tell him that I was having an intervention about him beating himself into a figurative pulp over this girl.

He broke off all contact with her. It's been about 4 months, and he's a lot happier.

You have been trying - nobody can say otherwise. There's nothing more you can do, though. If she won't change, it doesn't matter what the fuck you say or do. Ball's in her court. Stop beating your head against the floor and pretending it's the ball.

JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder! > avens
09/19/2014 at 23:36

Listen, when alochol fucks with your life so much, you dont view it like that.

So I am not amused by this stuff. And kids who abuse it make me even more pissed. Its not a joke watching someone you care about ruin their lives!

Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo > JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder!
09/19/2014 at 23:37

I hear all that, and the honest answer yes I understand alcohol abusive but no I don't have a family history of it or things of that nature. But what I do understand, more than I care to admit, is the story you're telling here. The story of an alleged aloof binge-drinking woman that you have feelings for (for whom you have feelings, for the grammar snobs!). I already know you're going to try keep trying to do whatever it is for this woman but just get ready for feeling worse than you do now.

I reemphasize that you can fully "be there" for or help people without this level of attachment and near-obsession. You need to find that balance or else you're no good for yourself, let alone another person.

yamahog > JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder!
09/19/2014 at 23:42

Lol, not suggesting you narc on her. But try not to worry so much. Plenty of 16 year olds all over the world drink without developing drinking problems, we just have a higher risk of binge drinking problems in this country because kids have to hide it until they're 21.

Also, she may be exaggerating about how much she's drinking. Certainly wouldn't be the first high schooler to do so, and sometimes people also say they blacked out so as to absolve themselves of responsibility for any actions that would be harshly judged if they were sober.

avens > JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder!
09/19/2014 at 23:45

Don't have an opinion on something you haven't done or can't comprehend to the very basics. What you are doing is talking about how to drive a RWD car like a pro - without having driven one ever.

So, if you want to know if she's really "over partying" or not, you should at least have one drink and attend one. Then you'll know if she needs help or not, what is really being wasted (many degrees on that) and what is her just toying with you, etc.

Besides I'll say it again: not having fun at that age -on weekends- is you wasting your life, not her. Everyone does it and it won't make you less successful, become a distraction or anything (actually staying at home will make you have less contacts, which is very much detrimental in business and in personal life :P).

akant > JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder!
09/19/2014 at 23:54

Do not, I repeat do not, get pushed into something because other people tell you to do so. Those people may mean well, and they may think its a good idea, but you don't want to be in a situation where you feel trapped or responsible for something/someone when you don't want to have to deal with that. It sounds like this is a pretty complex situation to get involved in to be honest. While you like this girl, will you be ok if you are the one who has to clean up her messes, if you're the one that gets a dozen drunk voicemails on a saturday night, or you're the one she won't respect because she's too drunk to care? And especially with your view on alcohol? To an outsider, you may seem like the obvious choice, but that's only because that outsider isn't willing to put in that effort.

scoob > jariten1781
09/19/2014 at 23:56

Man, words of wisdom right there. Can I use this, if I ever need to? Hehe.

JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder! > avens
09/19/2014 at 23:56

Well first off I've seen how it affects enough people to know its not something I really care to get involved in.

Second I dont feel like its something I need to be doing at 16. I dont need alcohol to be cool or popular.

Sorry not trying to sound like a dick here but I 100% disagree with you

JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder! > yamahog
09/19/2014 at 23:58

Its hard to not to. For some reason I have this comforting affect on people. And I always have people willing to open up to me and tell me things that i shouldnt know.

Thats with her. I now know so much about her and feel like I need to be there to help her out .

She may exaggerate a little but ive seen pics before and heard things from people at the parties. I know she does go hard.

SO yeah.. im sorry im just stressed out about this whole thing

avens > JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder!
09/20/2014 at 00:00

99% of those kids are not ruining their lives, but improving them. It's you thinking they are, because you have absolutely zero personal experience on the subject and are being all paranoid due to personal circumstances, that don't apply to the vast, vast majority.

But you are free to believe what you want to believe. Though be aware, most likely she's just enjoying herself, one of these days she'll present you her boyfriend -that she met at one of those parties- and her acceptance to a better job or top university. You know, the kind of things an active life gets you.

JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder! > avens
09/20/2014 at 00:13

Zero personal experience? I disagree. When you have close friends die and come home like every night to a drunk parent... thats NOT zero experience.

Its not paranoia, its the truth and what I've witnessed. Sure not everyone has this, but I know kids with DUIs and who have been raped and the like at these kinds of events.

She might enjoy it now, but wait one time. One time something goes wrong. One time someone slips something in her drink or one time she gets in a car crash. One time the police get called out. One time her parents find out. Or her job finds out and she is fired.

Listen I wanted some help here, right no Im just taking what your telling me as you being a total asshole. Im not in the mood to hear shit like this from you. If you dont want to help, then just keep your mouth shut, please.

So whats wrong with what Im doing? I work to pay for a brand new car. I get straight A's. I get all my HW done every night. And I have my life for the most part figured out. It can be boring sometimes, but you know what? It works.

Tell me about yourself please. I want to know how old you are, what you do, if you drank young, and all that stuff. Tell me how everything has gone for you. Give me some positive here so you kind of have some facts to back you up.

JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder! > akant
09/20/2014 at 00:15

I know you have a good point I just do wish I could help her. Maybe if I talk to her it could do something??? I guess what else do I have to lose at this point?

PetarVN, GLI Guy, now with stupid power > avens
09/20/2014 at 00:26

Hey Avens, I have to jump in here for a sec....

Now, I know JQJ213 personally. Like, off of oppo. I am quite familiar with what has gone on in his life in the recent past. You have absolutely no right to say that stuff to him. All that he told you (the DUI wreck, homeless uncles etc.) It's all true. Now tell me, have you ever experienced someone near and dear to you dying in a gruesome fashion? I have, and so has JQJ.

Before I continue, I will state this. I am 16 and yes I do drink occasionally. Social drinking is acceptable in my eyes. what is not is going out and getting absolutely piss wasted just because you think it's fun. First off it's very illegal, and more importantly you can kill someone.

I will tell you this: My great uncle was killed in 2001. he died after his car caught fire. why did the car catch fire? because he was drunk. and he crashed in to a gas station. My actual uncle also barely lived after he hit a concrete barrier after a night of drinking back in 1996.

Drinking and partying can be fun, but not to this extent. And you saying that it improves lives just demonstrates how uneducated you are on the topic of teen drinking. Do you even know how many teenagers under the age of 18 are killed every year because of DUI's? a lot.

Going back to social drinking and partying, yes I have gone to quite a fair bit of parties myself. it is fun, and it is enjoyable. it's what makes youth what it is. But, what isn't fun is driving your high friend to a 7-eleven to buy a jug of water, so you can help her because she almost OD'd and is about to pass out. It is one of the scariest things a 16 year old has to do ever, and it shouldn't be something a 16YO should do!

Get in a car with a drunk person and do 140 on a freeway. then come back and tell me partying is fun. Now, before you start a seriously bad discussion, I hope you're smart enough to back down

scoob > JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder!
09/20/2014 at 00:31

I know what you're going through. BEWARE, LONG AS HELL POST!

Almost a year ago, I dated this girl in high school last year and I really really really liked her. I was obsessed over her. She was pretty, attractive, a gymnast, and a dancer. Legs for days, and flexible as hell. I was pretty damn happy. But after about 1 1/2 months or so, shit started falling apart. Out of the blue, she would start treating me like crap, and I didn't understand why. I treated her like she was freaking royalty, until one day I found out through her friends that she never had feelings for me, ever. She toyed with me all along. She pretended to like me. She was manipulative. I was devastated, and felt utterly betrayed. All the time, money, and effort I spent on her, which she took for granted. I learned that she only went out with people to gain the ability to show off the fact that she had a boyfriend. She didn't know I had this info. I wanted to fix her, and attempted to do so for way too long. My friends told me to end it but I didn't listen, because I yearned to fix her and be able to call her mine. As time progressed, I wound up getting hurt more and more. Eventually, I saw through the cloud of shit that is "love" and broke up with her. She had no emotion. She just said "ok" and pretended nothing ever happened.

Now, I'm happy and life is going pretty well. School is my top priority now. I'm sure my ex hasn't changed one bit, and you know what? I can't do anything about that, and I'm perfectly happy with that because she's not my problem anymore. And this brings me to my second and final part.

After I broke up with her, I met this girl who I found to be pretty, etc. I never had any feelings for her though, but I am proud of her, even though I've never said it to her. Here's why. She is kinda similar to the girl you're talking about. Drinks her problems away and gets high to try and escape life, has family problems, etc. But eventually she fell for me. Her best friend told me. She always came to me for help because of her problems, and as a friend, I gave her advice. I guess she felt I was mature or something because she knew I hated kids who drank/smoke. But since she did that stuff and knew I hated it, she probably thought she would never get with me. And fuck yes that is true; I'm not dating a girl like that. Anyway, I guess me not liking her back was hurting her a lot, so you know what she did? She fixed herself. She stopped drinking and smoking, to try and appeal to me. Unfortunately for her, I still don't like her, as I want to focus on college now.

My point is, and others have said it too, you can't fix someone. You just can't. Be glad that you want to try, because that is a noble thing. The only way for someone to get fixed is if they realize their issues and discover why they do the things they do. But they will only fix stuff if they have a drive to do so, like the second girl I talked about.

And yes, I know you like this girl. I'm sorry, but you have to move on. There are some things we just can't control.

JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder! > scoob
09/20/2014 at 00:42

First let me just say, thank you so much for this post. You have no idea how much these kind of posts mean to me. I really appreciate it when people put tons of effort and thought into a post!

I'm sorry about that for you man. That really is awful what you went through.

I know I cant fix her. She needs to want to change. And I know for now at least she would rather party than hang out with me.

I feel that I still need to try one more thing. I still need to try and actually talk to her about this. Because she just knows I don't drink but she doesn't know all of this. So maybe if I talk to her a little, maybe I could change just something.

Its really hard for her because her brother is an alcoholic. And her actual father passed away. She cant share like anything with anyone. And she has been influenced by the wrong crowds. I think its why she likes me. Im that safety net. Im here and she knows I wont do anything stupid to her or hurt her.

I just.. still want to be with her. I'd love to be able to be the person who turned her life around. I know it really isnt possible but I still want to try.

How bad can things get if I just talk to her about it? I think its worth a chance.

I still want to try and hang out with her once.

avens > JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder!
09/20/2014 at 00:46

Before I go to sleep, I'll say what you need to hear.

Life spoiler: she'll move on with her life and you'll regret your current antisocial manners and false moral high ground for years to come. Sorry but that's how life is; some just like to put it with nicer words.

The things that you have to understand in order to not have that regret, not said by the rest here, are:

1) First things first, it's quite clear you are way too emotional as a person. That's a defect, sorry.

2) Going out is something positive in every single way, not negative. You are missing out, not her nor everyone else.

3) Drinking one beer, or even getting drunk on occasion, high or whatever on weekends, in itself is not going to kill nor harm you or anyone, physically and mentally, especially now that she's near adulthood. Actually I assume you have studied the matter to know those in moderation have health benefits.
4) What gets people is how they are as persons, meaning that people aren't killed by alcohol but by themselves, due to not being able to control something the vast majority can. In your case it seems your family has a predisposition to alcoholism, which of course doesn't mean it cannot be controlled and especially doesn't mean that you can't have a social life nor that you should be preaching about it, both which are the core of the matter.

And to deal with your ad hominem argument, considering what you posted I'd say I turned out way better than all your family combined :P. Ok that was a bit too harsh, lets rephrase a bit: I'm a lawyer, with a masters degree granted by the best university of your country. I don't say that to brag, since everyone these days is a lawyer, but for you to understand that having a social life is part of the profession, which is why the vast majority of lawyers and law students like to drink. Same case with doctors, entrepreneurs, politicians and whatnot.

avens > PetarVN, GLI Guy, now with stupid power
09/20/2014 at 00:55

All that comes down to each person, no matter the age. It's not the booze's fault in itself.

Furthermore I'll straight off say it, since this is a site about cars. We car enthusiasts understand the concept of responsibility and that we don't drive after drinking even one drop, nor getting driven by one that has drank anything recently. With that said, the car caught fire because your great uncle consciously decided to get pissed drunk (1. Zero responsibility for a grown man) and then chose to drive, knowing the risks (2. They are independent).

PetarVN, GLI Guy, now with stupid power > avens
09/20/2014 at 01:02

Ok i'll try to stay reasonable here, but if I do start ranting and getting pissed, you brought it on yourself...

Yes, it is not the booze's fault in itself. that was never the discussion here. the discussion here was that partying and getting piss wasted can and indeed does ruin lives. Now, if you are going to tell me that my great uncle was a moron for drinking ad driving, I will be the first to say that was a fucking idiotic move. And as someone who partakes, I will gladly say that social drinking is responsible if done right, and with someone sober in the near vicinity to control you. But what I don't think that you are understanding is that we are talking about someone who is

A) not an adult, and does not have the legal right to obtain Alcohol

B)will be impaired in their decision making as to weather to drive home or not and

C) has the mentality of a 16 year old.

Now, since you do seem to say that you're a lawyer, would you please stop being irrelevant and answer the question Mr. Avens; and the question is: Is being young an excuse to have the same behavioral pattern as someone who would be found in a Special Ed class, or in a rehab center?

scoob > JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder!
09/20/2014 at 01:04

No thanks necessary! You asked for help, so I'll try to do so.

And about your last few paragraphs, I was in your shoes. I forgot to mention some details about my ex.

She told me a secret she never told anyone else: she used to cut herself and attempted to commit suicide once, possibly on multiple occasions. She told me this when I was madly in love with her. I thought she really loved and trusted me, seeing as I was the only one to know this. And after she told me that, guess what. I wanted to be the guy that fixed her, that helped her get past all her problems. Sound familiar?

Anyway, you know how that turned out. I guess all I can say now is think long and hard about what you're doing. Yes, you might become this girl's mechanic. But you could also become this girl's hit and run victim.

Take all the time you need. It took me 2 months to break up with the girl. Stay strong, hang in there, and think things out. You can always make another one of these postsposts. Hell I made some back when I had to deal with this girl.

Oppo's here for you!

JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder! > scoob
09/20/2014 at 01:10

This is usually my posts late at night. they are always personal. I will try and do an update soon.

I know im taking on huge risk here but at this point im too deep not to at least try. But I know that all too well. I got fucked by the first girl for trying to be helpful.

I cant believe I let it happen again though.

Im going to have to try something. If I can get her to go grab lunch with me once, i will have a chance. But if that doesnt happen than I need to give up.

scoob > JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder!
09/20/2014 at 01:20

Just be extremely careful. You know what's right and wrong. Personally, I'd try to stay away.

Again, take your time. At times you'll feel like you're not getting anywhere and it'll hurt, but in the end it'll be worth it, no matter the outcome.

mazdaspeed2 > JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder!
09/20/2014 at 01:21

I don't feel as strongly about alcohol as you but I have had people close to me mess up their lives because of it so I don't drink and have never tried it. I'm 19 too and I didn't and don't party, I'd rather be out driving.

There was a girl that I liked for a while, that I finally ended up dating when I was 16 or 17. There was another guy that liked her that she was friends with and she knew he liked her, and he became suicidal when he found out I was dating her. She talked him down multiple times during the month or so that we dated. This bothered me, but I didn't say anything and that was one of many things that distanced us.

We started and ended halfway through my junior year of high school, and we had a few classes together for my last 2 years. We also shared some friends so it was awkward when we broke up, and we didn't really talk at all after for the next year and a half. It was not the end of the world, and I'm glad it turned out that way. I hung out with my other friends more and I am much better friends with them than I ever would have been with the other group.

I thought she was perfect for me before, during, and for the next 3 months or so after. Then I became closer to my now girlfriend and realized that first girl wasn't even close to perfect. I've been with my current girlfriend for over 2 years, and plan on marrying her down the road.

Sorry for the long reply, but bottom line the person you think you want to be with now can change drastically over the next year or 2, and don't bring yourself down for someone you only like part of. You will find someone better and worth your time, and life will go on even if you see her often after. I'm no saying cut her out of your life, it's great that you want to help her, but don't try and date her until you like and can deal with all of her.

Conan > JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder!
09/20/2014 at 01:21

You're still young man. Look after you.

avens > PetarVN, GLI Guy, now with stupid power
09/20/2014 at 01:22

What you are still not getting -most likely to never have experienced it- is that:

1) Being 16 does not mean being immature. Also, being 18, 21, 24 or 30 doesn't mean being mature. Age is not an excuse, on both ends of the spectrum;

2) Staying out of social life, which is what the OP is doing instead of trying to be straight edge, does ruin lives too. Read all what he wrote here: he hasn't lived anything and it's a matter of weeks before he loses that girl, when he'll go very much emotional;

3) There are degrees to everything, including to drinking and to getting drunk itself;

4) Making something the forbidden fruit of one's life is quite dangerous, especially for people with predisposition to alcoholism; and

5) Even being piss drunk does not mean being entirely decision impaired at the time, by any means whatsoever.

JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder! > mazdaspeed2
09/20/2014 at 01:26

I really appreciate the long replies like this :) They mean a lot to me.

And I know there will be someone else. Its just really hard.

Im lonely as hell lately. And Ive never had a GF, I never socialize, and I dont do very much. She was just so fun and flirty and made my life a bit more interesting.

I know what I need to do now. I will try and help her but thats really it. And if she isn't into it im moving on.

I sound crazy but its a lot more complicated than I made it out to be here. i could write a 10 page document on it honestly

PetarVN, GLI Guy, now with stupid power > avens
09/20/2014 at 01:28

Surprisingly enough I agree with you on basically everything you said there, including the age thing (for reference, my uncle and great-uncle) but since this person in question does this every weekend, would you not agree that it is a problem?

and the degrees thing? yes, there are degrees to everything, but again; I personally know these people, and this girl takes it to the highest degree.

mazdaspeed2 > JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder!
09/20/2014 at 01:47

Glad to help a fellow opponaut! I know exactly how you feel though, my situation was similar in a lot of ways. It definitely does suck but there's not much you can do about it.

I felt lonely before I dated the first girl for a while, which probably had a lot of influence on me liking her looking back, and I felt lonely for a while after too. I ended up becoming really close to one of my friends and we would have deep conversations for hours outside his house all the time. That helped me and then I became really close to my current girlfriend and she is the best thing that has ever happened to me.

If you do not already, try autocross. It will give you some more excitement in your life (and it impresses people that you will meet, win win haha), and you will meet some awesome people there. It doesn't matter if your car sucks, you will have a ton of fun.

Moving on will be hard and it will suck for a while, but you will probably be happy you did when you look back on it.

akant > JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder!
09/20/2014 at 01:47

I don't doubt that you wish you could help her. I'm sure the people encouraging you are hoping you can help her too. I am all for helping people, its why I'm in medical school and why I have talked to people who deal with alcohol issues. But don't put yourself in harm's way to do so. Right now, you are the most important person in your life. The only situation in which you should help her is if you can ensure your own safety. And you're only 16, are in school, and are working. You have quite a bit to lose. I know at my high school being guilty by association was nearly as bad as underage drinking itself. You have a lot going for you, and you will have much more in the future. Don't just put all that on the line to help someone who doesn't even know they have a problem.

Brian Silvestro > scoob
09/20/2014 at 05:14

Unfortunately for her, I still don't like her

this made me lol hard

Twingo Tamer - About to descend into project car hell. > JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder!
09/20/2014 at 08:11

I know this is an old post now but I thought I'd chime in. If she is the sort who parties and drinks a couple times a week that isn't desirable but is common and nothing to really worry about unless things like DUI or violence or anything criminal come of it.

Most of those kinds of people party themselves out after a couple of years and even out a little. If you hear things like "I feel terrible today I really want a drink" often, to me that's when a problem can develop.

Again it can be normal occasionally to have a drink to relax after a stressful time, but if it becomes frequent that's a problem.

Also bear in mind that most people who have a drink problem don't think they do. The best thing you can do is be a friend and demonstrate good behaviour yourself. That has helped in the past for some since it removes them from the environment that brought them to abuse drink.

I have a family member with a severe several decade long substance abuse problem so I speak fron experience here. We managed to help them to a remission for some time and they managed to get work and get on their feet but unfortunately it returned in a big way.

jkm7680 > JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder!
09/20/2014 at 08:27

Dude, you may just want to tell her gently that she needs to see somebody about her problem. Don't try to date her, who knows what kind of trouble you might get into.

JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder! > jkm7680
09/20/2014 at 08:52

Ive pretty much decided what I need to do at this point.

Im going to try and help her and just try to be a good influence on her. Yeah, I might piss her off, but its worth a shot.

Maybe, down the road, if shes changed, and we are still seeing each other, we can revisit the whole dating thing.

I think she needs the help first and foremost. And honestly I dont think she has anyone else around her thats even trying to change her or have her consider what shes doing. Like i said, she sorta hangs with the wrong crowd and her family is of no help.

JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder! > Twingo Tamer - About to descend into project car hell.
09/20/2014 at 08:58

Im not sure if you aware, I forgot to make it clear in the post. Shes only 16. Thats where the big problem lies. You know, if she was 21, I wouldnt care.

And also I dont want to give off this impression of being No Alcohol! All the time. Because im not. Trust me there are nights where I just want to have one beer. I don't see anything wrong with like a beer here or there being social. But when you are out getting shitfaced like every week, thats bad. Especially at that young of an age. Not even mentioning the harm it does to yourself but shes also st these parties which usually have a lot of college and big guys there. Shes very small. And I have had a friend who did end up getting seriously abused at one of these. I dont want the same fate.

And thats what really sucked. Is the way she was talking to me and the way she flirts with me, I figured she would want to hang out. The fact that she was busy because she had a party to go get drunk at, proves that I dont really matter all too much, and that she is hard to get away from these situations.

I know what I need to do now. And its just trying to help her first and foremost.

JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder! > akant
09/20/2014 at 09:01

thats the main reason I refuse to go to any of these parties. I get told all the time, "You dont have to drink" but what fun is it being the only sober guy in a room full of drunks?

Thats why ive decided what to do. I just want to try and help her. Put everything else on the backburner in regards to trying to date her and all that.

I need to try and be a positive influence in her life,

Twingo Tamer - About to descend into project car hell. > JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder!
09/20/2014 at 09:33

I know the situation, I lived in a town where many were on the poverty line and it was common to see house parties with drinking where the average age of the people there was 14 or 15 due to bad parenting. It didn't cause any long term drinking problems but it did damage lives. Many smart kids ended up with awful grades and working menial jobs or on benefits due to the lifestyle. They regret it now.

I also see what you mean about vulnerability. My girlfriend is small and cant really stand up for herself so I make sure she isnt blackout drunk anywhere (she isnt a heavy drinker anyway). There are many horror stories of girls being taken advantage of when drunk.

I started drinking socially at 18 and am 20 now. I have friends over and a fair few drinks maybe once a fortnight or so and it's good fun. But the important thing is we look after each other and never get to the point we pass out or anything like that. That's mostly in our own homes too and we're a small group of friends so there's never a time where its dangerous or anything like that.

Hopefully she realises the danger of blacking out at a party every few days before any issues arise.

akant > JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder!
09/20/2014 at 11:52

Just recognize that this may fray your relationship with her. You may get tired of her after dealing with her problems and stuff, and she may see you as, for lack of a better term, a party pooper. She may feel like you're getting in her way, that you're trying to control her. That is something that you might run into, and its hard to maintain a friendship when one person is resents the other.

And not going to those parties is the smart move. Yeah, being the only sober guy is pretty dull, but look at it from the perspective i mentioned before. It's just too risky, and I would hate for you to be pressured into drinking or something else just because helping this girl put you in a risky situation. And DO NOT compromise your morals and beliefs for a girl (or anyone for that matter), especially one that may not have the best head on her shoulders.

scoob > Brian Silvestro
09/20/2014 at 12:04

wot r u doin up at 5 in teh mornin m8? ur mum not tell u to go 2 bed?

Brian Silvestro > scoob
09/20/2014 at 13:33

u talkin shit m8?

JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder! > akant
09/20/2014 at 13:40

Oh yeah sadly I already know this will kill any chance I had with her. But honestly I'd rather try and help her than just sit back and watch her harm herself. I don't want to lose her at all...but I'd rather lose her as a friend than to literally lose her.

And that's one thing I refuse. I'm not getting involved in those situations because the cops here don't fuck around and I'm not going down for doing nothing. I've turned down so many offers because its not who I am.

http://m.youtube.com/watch%3Fv%3D59…

This here is one of my favorite songs. I think it applies quite well.

But I think I've got it somewhat under control now. I just need a chance to try and talk to her. I don't want to do it at work or school. Don't need to make a scene or anything

scoob > Brian Silvestro
09/20/2014 at 17:34

u fockin wot m8 wot did u sai sai it 2 me face u arse

Brian Silvestro > scoob
09/20/2014 at 17:36

say that IRL faget i swer ill bash u

scoob > Brian Silvestro
09/20/2014 at 17:49

u pussy faggett i bet ur a scrub go cry to ur mum pussy faggett

Brian Silvestro > scoob
09/20/2014 at 18:33

Ok you win, that shit's hilarious

scoob > Brian Silvestro
09/20/2014 at 18:45

m8 i have gr8 b8 for u wich i r8 8/8